The Funny

The bamboozle is strong in that one

July 1, 2015 by MsCheevious

#DailyMischief

#TheFunny

Hmmm… never heard “The bamboozle is strong in that one” mentioned on a Starwars movie or show? Well, that’s interesting. Perhaps you’ve heard of me making up phrases that have been ripped off from pop-culture? I know I’m off by a word… It should be “The bamboozle is strong WITH that one.” But sheesh, that is a long ass title.

In other news (and the above will make sense in a minute), I have an announcement to make, and THIS, my friends, is MAJOR.

After about seven years of fun and frolicking, M.C. Nugget and I have decided it’s time to tie the knot and continue the fun and frolicking, officially (if that’s even possible).

Though I am technically going off the market my lovey doves, this does not mean I will discontinue to reveal my secrets from the dating world. Pfff! Married people still go on dates. So, this does NOT mean things in Ms. Cheevious-land will come to a screeching halt. And considering Nuggie and I have been living together for about five years, and I’ve still been able to maintain some semblance of humor about dating, fun, life and it’s crazy moments… well there you go. I’ve bamboozled you this whole time (insert evil laugh).

This leads me to a little conversation Nuggie and I had last week. I was complaining once again about chicks (not the baby chicken variety, but CHICKS, people. WOMEN. GIRLS.). I was complaining because chicks are such high maintenance. (yes… you can tweet that if you must). It’s probably why I don’t have many female friends. They come into my life, and then seem to promptly exit when the shit gets real. I simply don’t have time for Flaky McFlakelsteins, or Neurotic McNeurotic-al-Stiltskins… and I definitely don’t have the patience for anyone who doesn’t work to change or improve their lives (and stop being loony). Plus, there is that whole “how can you soar with eagles, when you’re surrounded by turkeys” thing I like to keep in mind.

I don’t always get it, but women constantly show me just how neurotic and touchy they can be. You can’t ALWAYS blame hormones ladies! Come ON.

It’s like it’s hardwired into them to short circuit regularly. They’re just so FREAKING touchy. I am ONE OF THEM, and even I can’t figure them out! Poor GUYS! (you can tweet that one too)

So, I’d been through some sort of nonsensical dramatic discussion with a gal pal, and was whining about it (the female irony doesn’t escape me here… me, neurotically complaining about chicks and their weird neuroses), when I said, exasperated, “CHICKS!”

To which Nuggie replied, “You’re preaching to the choir here.”

The rest of our little exchange went something like this (and yes… we rip off Star Wars whenever we can):

Nugget: But you aren’t like other chicks, baby! That’s why we’re doing this WEDDING thing. You Bamboozled me!

Me: No… I bamboozled you for the KEY… (I was the first female to ever have a key to Nuggie’s apartment)

Nugget: Heyyyy… you’re right. Your bamboozle is strong…

Me: You mean, “The bamboozle is strong in that one?”

Nugget: Yes… but it’s “The Bamboozle is strong with that one.”

Yes, even Yoda would be proud. And now… a wedding. And yes… pigs do fly.

(insert evil laugh)

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My Own Personal Retrograde

June 3, 2015 by MsCheevious

#DailyMischief #TheFunny

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The other day, as M.C. Nugget and I sauntered over to our local watering hole, I relayed a conversation I’d had with Brit (you may remember her from the book “Ms. Cheevious in Hollywood”).

She noticed her emotions were wacky, and attributed it to Mercury being in retrograde. I laughed at this.

SIDE NOTE: I always thought Mercury’s retrograde and the mayhem it causes only pertained to electronics. I wrote about that here. And I blogged once that I wondered whether Venus has its own retrograde, because when women go bat shit crazy, we can’t place the blame on Mercury, willy nilly.

I was wrong. But don’t get too excited. We can’t always blame Mercury. It’s not in retrograde in perpetuity, for goddsakes.

When Brit cried retrograde foul-play, she said she’d read up on it. So, I conducted my own research. I can’t just go with whatever everyone says. Even Brit, though I love her.

BUT SHE WAS RIGHT.

Somewhat.

Mercury’s “retrograde” is actually discounted as ridiculous among scientists. They say, though it appears to be spinning backward, it’s an illusion. But proponents of this phenomena (when we can observe it supposedly spinning backward) say this illusion or reality, whatever the case may be, has an effect on the gravitational pull of the earth, which affects humans in many ways…along the lines of how we process everyday problems, come to conclusions, and produce solutions.

After telling him all of this, Nuggie asked with a little trepidation, “So….. are you experiencing some whacked out emotions?” then… “Is Mercury still in retrograde?“

I laughed, “Pffff! No… Mercury’s retrograde is probably finished by now. But I don’t need no stinkin’ Mercury. I’ve got my own personal retrograde going on here.”

It’s a thing. My own personal retrograde. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

And when we enter into another cycle of Mercury’s retrograde (supposedly around June 15th)… whoa… it could be downright scary.

Poor M.C. Nugget.

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This means war

May 25, 2015 by MsCheevious

This is all about music. Get ready to be schooled on some old, great music, people.

Saturday night M.C. Nugget took me to the Greek to see a few bands… a couple of latin groups, one called Malo, another called Tiera (they were famous for “Together Baby”), Los Lonely Boys and the headliner, a band called War.

Our next door neighbor is the road manager for the band War, and he HOOKED US UP. We had hospitality suite passes and some of the best seats EVER.

We were totally clueless as to the first two acts, Malo and Tiera, but if drinking Pina Coladas and lying on a beach somewhere appeals to you, chances are you’d love this music.

So, Nuggie and I and our white bred, blonde haired, blue-eyed, fair-skinned selves, were sitting in the BEST.SEATS.EVER, and I struck up a conversation with the guy next to us.

He looked at me, looked at Nuggie, and obviously confused, asked, “So….. who are you hear to listen to?”

I totally understood. Nuggie and I stood out in the crowd. You could probably see our blonde hair from space in that crowd… but I chuckled.

(Besides, if you read my book, you know I’m from New Mexico – where situations like this are the norm. Being the only huera among Latinos happened on a regular basis there, and it’s quite comfortable to me. These are my people, people!).

I explained how we came to hear the band, War, and Los Lonely Boys, but we’d never heard of the other two bands.

We danced and sang to the music of each of these talented musicians, and we had a blast.

The the guy next to us said, “So, what’s your favorite WAR song?”

To which I replied in song… “FIRE! DUH-DUH-DUH!! FIRE!!!”

The guy busted up laughing and said “That is NOT by War! That’s the Ohio Players…”

I laughed, and was a little taken off guard, because I usually know my music, but I’ve confused this song for War in the past. So, I asked, laughing, “Wait!! Then what is one of their famous songs?”

“Uh… CISCO KID?” he laughed.

…..

Ah, that explains it….

FIRE…

CISCO KID…

Tomato, Tomahto.

…..

KIDDING!!!

But listen to these. They could be the same band. SWEAR.TO.GOD.

Here is FIRE (a remix) by The Ohio Players (link in case it’s not displaying below – https://soundcloud.com/thefunkhunters/fire-the-funk-hunters-remix):

Here is CISCO KID by War, for your listening pleasure (here is their link, in case it’s not displaying https://soundcloud.com/lazylunch/sets/the-cisco-kid-war):

YOU SEEEEE???

And now… check out these other bands that opened for War. I bet you never knew who they were. And… YOU’RE WELCOME.

HOW FAR IS HEAVEN by Los Lonely Boys (did you know that guy can PLAY the GUITAR???) (link in case it’s not displaying – https://soundcloud.com/user8886233/los-lonely-boys-how-far-is-heaven):

SUAVECITO by Malo (if it’s not displaying below, click here: https://soundcloud.com/scottrek44/ssuaveci-malo):

And, TOGETHER by Tiera (if it’s not displaying, check it out here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vt0tq-rD38U):

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Skeeters from Hell

May 18, 2015 by MsCheevious

#TheFunny #DailyMischief

Shortly after running the Piper home security system giveaway contest (which ended on Mother’s Day), M.C. Nugget flew me out to Ft. Lauderdale to visit him on the set of a show he was shooting (called Graceland, on USA Network). It was a quick trip, sandwiched betwixt and between a vigorous pilates teaching schedule, and immediately following my gigantic hoopla of a book release party (more on that in my next post)…Mother’s Day notwithstanding..

I admit, I landed at Ft. Lauderdale airport frazzled, worn out, dazed, and in much need of a GIANT VACATION, which is why I failed to post the winner of the Piper contest…until now (see bottom of this post to see if you won).

Also, I wasn’t prepared for the thick, dripping heat and humidity. Someone said to me, “It’s summer here!” Like I’m supposed to know what that means. Come ON.

I mean, yeah. I knew it would be hot and humid.. But I didn’t really know it would be hot and humid. Know what I mean?

I loved it though. Every minute. The balmy air felt so great on my skin as we lounged by the pool on the first day, sipping cocktails.

I curled up with my kindle and continue reading a friend’s book I’d started on the plane — a true guilty pleasure by Diane Rapp called Murder Caribbean Style, a mystery/romance with totally fun, and most-likely utterly implausible situations that I immediately believed and gobbled up, because… PFFF it took place on a CRUISE SHIP, and in the CARIBBEAN.

I blew off my work… and… relaxed. Ahhh, it was wonderful.

THEN, the next day, we lathered ourselves up with insect repellant to prepare for being on-location in the Everglades. We caught the cast shuttle to the set, and stepped out into Mack’s Fish Camp. I felt pretty spiffy, myself… as if I’d stepped off the pages of my friend’s book to visit a cool, “off-the-beaten-path” place, with alligators they know and love swimming around hoping for a chance meeting with a stranger’s foot.

I made sure none of my body parts had a chance meeting with the alligators (click to tweet that). But I was completely taken off-guard by the mambo insect-repellant-resistant mosquitos that sucked my blood, pelting me with welts.

It really….. can I say this? Are you ready for this?

It SUCKED.

The next day, Nuggie and I planned to get a workout in at the hotel fitness center, but stopped to lay by the pool for a bit first. The sun was warm and cozy once again, and it felt so good to sit on the edge of the pool dangling our feet in the cool water.

The gym was a stone’s throw from where we sat on the pool’s edge. As the the warm sun grew brighter and hotter, I looked to my right and just over Nuggie’s shoulder was the door to the bar. Five more feet away was the door to the gym.

I weighed the possibilities. Bar? Gym?

I asked Nuggie about a cocktail. We deliberated about it. My welts were hurting. It was hot.

It turned out we didn’t really want to work out anyway. Plus the gym was so much further away.

That was the beginning of my last day in Florida. If anyone asks why I didn’t work out and got sauced and a bit sun kissed by the pool, tell them the Skeeters from Hell made me do it.

Dammit.

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(Tell everyone on Twitter how the mosquitos sucked here)

=====================

PIPER GIVEAWAY!!!

Here is a screenshot of all those who left comments to win the PIPER Home Security System. If a name is listed more than once, it’s because they commented here and on the blog. Not a SINGLE single parent commented to my knowledge, so sadly, as much as I’d hoped they would comment, there are none who received three entries.

AND THE WINNER SELECTED BY RANDOM.ORG IS: PAMELA MORSE!

This time it will stick

April 30, 2015 by MsCheevious

#TheFunny

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Some could argue that my blog isn’t really for mommies because my kids are grown and my stories aren’t about my kids or being a mom, much.

M.C. Nugget and I were eating dinner the other night (my homemade chicken, vegetable and green chile soup, sans noodles or any starch), when he plopped something into my bowl. A piece of zucchini. Then PLOP… another one…

What? You’re not enjoying the zucchini? I thought you liked zucchini?

Yeah…. not that much, and not that mushy, he teased.

See??? I bring the skills I learned as a mom to EVERY.THING. Even dating and relationships.

IT NEVER STOPS.

The difference here is, Nuggie is grown up. He gets to be who he is and I don’t try to change him. That’s his job.

So I ate his zucchini, and I LIKED IT.

So much is happening for me both professionally and personally this year. All great things. But with new great things comes new, added pressures. With added pressures, comes the immediate need for me to get serious about fitness and health, and to slim back down to the lean, mean, well-oiled fighting machine I’ve been in the past.

It’s A HUGE YEAR FOR ME. And slimming down is the best way I can make this year the best year, ever. I keep replaying in my mind… if Jane Fonda can rock her latter years and stay lean and healthy, DAD-GUMMIT, so can I.

And even though my to-do list is fairly packed:

Book Launch —- CHECK
Book Signing —- CHECK
Reach #1 Bestselling New Release on Amazon —- CHECK
Win another award for the book —- CHECK
Teach Pilates Classes all over the city, day and night —- CHECK
Red Carpet, Celebrity Book Release Party in May —- WORKING ON NOW
Giant Mother’s Day product review and give away – EEEEE! You guys will LOVE this one! —- Coming soon
Huge jewelry-ish review and give away — OOOOO! You’ll love THIS one too! —- Coming soon
Enormous, stupendous, landmark birthday for me —- in July
Finish classical Pilates certification —- end of year
Launch Single Mom Luv smart-phone app —- this year
Write fun blogs here and health/fitness blogs everywhere else, including those I do for Livestrong.com —- CHECK
Direct photo shoots for Livestrong.com —- CHECK
Moderate a fitness/health/nutrition panel for Digital Hollywood with some of the biggest names in fitness —- CHECK
Publish next book “Getting Over Your Ovaries: How To Make the Change of Life Your BITCH” —- sometime in the next twelve months, I hope.
And guess what? M.C. Nugget keeps hinting he may actually ask me out for a THIRD date! EEEEEEEE!

THIS must go to the TOP of my TO DO LIST:

17. Healthy eating and lifestyle changes (which includes going very light on the cocktails) —- HAPPENING NOW

The next day, when Nuggie asked me if we could sit down to study French on the Rosetta Stone (which he got me for Christmas, since we are going to France this year too)… I’m sure he was thinking “Why not? What’s one more thing?”

But you guys!!! I need this healthy eating, lifestyle thing! Because I friggin’ love food. Scratch that. I LOVE having a good time. 99.9% of the time, “good times” involve really great, fattening, starchy, buttery food. Plus wine. Plus chocolate. And vodka. Often, cheese and proscuitto with water crackers.

Give me a few drinks and you KNOW I’m eating that pizza. Don’t try to stop me.

I know.

I KNOW!

Nuggie and I laughed about this, because I have this habit of going all DEEPUFF CHOPRA on myself for big events (where I de-puff with my trademark, Zen-like focus and drill-seargant discipline leading up to a big event), only to become Puff the Magic Girlfriend afterward.

In fairness to ME… I think I’m a Tiny Pufflestiltskin most of the time, but when an important life event nears, Deepuff Chopra takes over and slims down. Then, I just relax and allow things to go back to “normal” afterward.

THANK GOD, I haven’t ever let it get out of control (not since that time right before my divorce…that time I talked about in my book).

THANK GOD, Tiny Pufflestiltskin isn’t too horrible to look at.

But, you know? I’m not content to be “not too horrible to look at.”

“Not too horrible to look at” is not the tag line I’m going for (not that there is anything wrong with that).

I always aspire for more, and for feeling the BEST EVER.

So, SAYONARA, because I’ve decided to allow my zen-like, drill-sergeant ways to take the reigns FOR.EVER.

Signed,

Your former “Puff the Magic Girlfriend,” soon-to-be lean, limber and healthiest ever friend,

DEEPUFF CHOPRA

And THIS TIME… I MEAN IT.

THIS TIME IT’LL STICK.

#DailyMischief #Diet #Exercise #Fitness #Health #DeepakChopra #Zen

MOM FACTOR: Don’t let the kids always decide what you’re eating. YOU.ALWAYS.DECIDE. End of story.

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A patch-and-a-half habit

April 13, 2015 by MsCheevious

So… without getting overly personal (yeah right), I’m going to tell you something only a few people on the planet know about me.

Okay, it’s somewhat personal.

I wear a medical patch that strategically releases essential medication through my skin into my blood stream on a daily basis. This patch makes the existence of “somewhat normal Lisa” possible. Without this patch, “Bitchy, homicidal Lisa” swallows up somewhat normal Lisa and mutates into a giant, sledgehammer wielding psychopathic, yellow-eyed monster, destroying everything in her path.

(I admit, when tasked with drawing a super scary, psychopathic killer female, I ended up with some kind of sexy she-devil. One could argue seduction by sledgehammer is a little freaky, though.)

The patch is supposed to dole out HORMONES, AS-NEEDED people. It keeps the evil beast sequestered into the dark recesses of the mind, and hidden deep beneath the surface, where there is only sunshine, butterflies, bubble gum and twinkle lights… If the patch doesn’t do its job, LOOK OUT. No one wants to be around Bitchy, Homicidal Lisa.

I think we can all agree the patch is a friend to us all.

Then, recently the pharmacy changed the patch I use (my insurance quit covering the usual one and I was back to the TORTILLA sized generic one I thought I’d rid myself of months ago).

It wasn’t until I’d been wearing the new patch for about a day that I noticed something was off.

It started when general (fairly usual) computer glitches interrupted my work flow. It’s a bit foggy now, but I believe I was trying to sync something from my smart phone to the Big Screen, when I yanked the chord from my phone and flung my poor Samsung across the room.

Then I went out into the world.

When I returned home, I was shaky, sweaty, weak in the knees with heart palpitations, presumably returning home from my first kill. I told M.C. Nugget that perhaps something was wrong with my patch.

“Really?” he said, backing slowly away.

“Yep! flailing my arms around wildly as I spoke, “I hurled expletives that I never say on the road today!”

I said all of this with eyebrows raised. Do you KNOW how insane that looks, you guys?

“And… I actually entertained the idea of running over a little old man in a hat when he ran across Venice Boulevard, willy nilly. THERE WAS NO CROSS WALK NUGGIE! He just zipped across, hoping we would all see him and no one would hit him.”

I paused.

I was about to go on, when Nuggie asked “So you think it’s the new patch? What do you think is wrong?”

“It’s generic! GENERIC! It’s probably made of cardboard or something.”

“So….” he began, “You can’t cut off another half of one, and put it on too, can you?”

Leave it to Nuggie to make me laugh in a moment of utter TERROR.

But I actually thought about it for a second. “I HARDLY HAVE ROOM ON MY ASS FOR ONE PATCH!” I laughed. “Can you imagine?”

[REMEMBER THIS FROM WHEN I USE TO WEAR THE SAME PATCH:

It’s big enough to make a burrito]

Then, thinking about it a little more I said, “But you’re probably right. I wish I had enough patches to wear a patch and a half!”

Then he did it.

M.C. Nugget ended with this, and dammit, I wish I could take the credit. He laughed and said, in his best Ms. Cheevious, bitchy girl impersonation: “I have a patch-and-a-half habit DAMMIT! I NEED THEM! Give me more patches! “

A patch-and-a-half habit. We’re talking a SERIOUS addiction here.

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The bamboozle is strong in that one

My Own Personal Retrograde

This means war

YOU SEEEEE???

Skeeters from Hell

PIPER GIVEAWAY!!!

AND THE WINNER SELECTED BY RANDOM.ORG IS: PAMELA MORSE!

This time it will stick

A patch-and-a-half habit

[REMEMBER THIS FROM WHEN I USE TO WEAR THE SAME PATCH:

It’s big enough to make a burrito]

The Funny (that’s the blog people)

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The Funny

YOU SEEEEE???

PIPER GIVEAWAY!!!

AND THE WINNER SELECTED BY RANDOM.ORG IS: PAMELA MORSE!

[REMEMBER THIS FROM WHEN I USE TO WEAR THE SAME PATCH:

It’s big enough to make a burrito]

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