Yes, PLEASE, for GODSSAKES, stop your ‘splainin’ Lucy, because I’mma getting tired of picking up the pieces.
I’m talking to myself, of course. And herein lies the article in which I proclaim that while my hilarious tales of Lucille Ball-esque adventures are fun and all (for the story-telling and the reading), they’re not nearly so fun in real life.
Here’s the story …
I recently joined a new friend (someone I met at the Facebook and Twitter conference in San Francisco earlier in June), fellow blogger Melany (of MelanysGuydlines.com) and a few of her friends to celebrate her birthday in Hollywood. I don’t do Hollywood much anymore these days, since I now live at the beach. It’s a huge trek, and the parking is astronomical on a Saturday night. But alas, I needed some girl time, and was actually looking forward to hanging with Melany, so… trekky I became.
My day leading up to this was not one for the list of hallmark moments (to put it kindly). One of my sons, whom I normally love, behaved in such a way that I unleashed a scream on him that I generally reserve for — oh — let’s say plane crashes.
I decided after that to arrive early to the party (and arranged with Melany and company to do so as well for a pre-party toast)… I like Melany and all, but after the day I had, I was suddenly looking forward to a martini.
There were a number of things that destined this evening to fail for me: a) I parked too far away. I’m out of practice, and have taken on M.C. Nugget’s habit of parking a “little” further in order to save a buck. In this case it was five bucks, so I parked somewhere and started walking before I realized it was about a quarter mile. I hoofed it in heels; b) the altercation with my son put a damper on everything; and c) I’d mistaken a warm balmy day at the beach for what I thought would be a warm balmy night in Hollywood, and arrived in a halter top and no jacket. It was f-ing cold.
When my martini arrived so did the champagne Melany’s mother “phoned in” for our little group. Fun times ensued…
You’ll be proud to know that even in my darkest hour, I did not imbibe irresponsibly. I had my one martini and a few sips of Champagne. When the party decided to make a move, I was ready to call it a night. I got in their car with them, thinking their next destination, The Rainbow on Sunset, would bring me closer to my car… WRONG. The Rainbow is way past where I parked. But this is Sunset Blvd on a Saturday night people. You do not “turn a car around.” So they pulled over and I flagged a cab back to my car.
And then, I was bamboozled by a cabby.
He took me down the block, for all of five bucks (so much for my five dollar parking save), and I handed him a twenty. I was distracted, looking into the hotel lobby (think, “ooohh… pretty lights over there!”) when the cabby scoffed in a huff, pulled out five singles, and said “This is all I have” (which is BULLSHIT now that I think about it). I somehow confused what I’d just handed him and said okay, “keep one single.” And so I walked away from the cab sixteen dollars poorer.
This is where I should have cried and said “Ricky! He caught me off guard! He…. he…. he STOLE from me, RIIIICKYYYY!!!”
But instead I texted M.C. once I was back to my car and realized the fiasco that just occurred. Then I drove home in an angry “Don’t frack with me” rage. Not a great end to an already Sucky McSucklestein day.
Sorry. I know. I could have shared my tale in a light-hearted, “Oops! What a dumb blonde I was” fashion…The Lucille Ball comparisons could have remained intact, as you pictured my cartoon-esque figure dizzily bouncing around Sunset Boulevard. But alas, I’m still out sixteen dollars. It’s times like this I want to kick myself in the arse and say “FOCUS lady! FOCUS!”
Then M.C., my night in shining armor called me and said “Where do you want to meet me. I’ll buy you a drink.” My hero.
I’m now a reformed Lucy. I will never be bamboozled by a cabby again. You can COUNT on it.
Love you people!!!! Mmmmppphhhuuuhhhh!!!!
xoxo,
Ms. Cheevious
aka Lisa Jey Davis
Editor in [Mis]Chief
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All Blog content copyright 2013, LISA JEY DAVIS aka Ms. Cheevious
Please don’t laugh when I tell you why I *thought* I was a glamor-puss, but based on what transpired, I am faced with the harsh cold reality of “otherwise.” This is serious business.
Yesterday was a big day in my life: the day of the highly anticipated, exciting and extremely glamorous photo shoot for the cover of my book “Ms. Cheevious in Hollywood.”
Picture this: My hair long and flowing … the light on my face, a bustling film or television set in action all around me… I’m dressed to the nines and looking fine, I’m in charge, and I’m Ms. Cheevious.
That was the idea.
I strategically planned this photo shoot as if it was the next space shuttle launch. There were schematics, photos, and detailed instructions for crew and cast members (oh yes, there was a cast). I had dreams.
It’s interesting how when planning ultra-glam scenarios, I forget to account for “me” in them. True, I know how to produce. True, I know what looks good. But I’m generally directing and producing these things for other people, and enjoy the view from the sidelines. Seldom do I allow myself the luxury of participation, and there is good reason for that.
I am a klutz. I’ll just confess it now, and dispense with any future misunderstandings.
I was running around in my Ms. Cheevious stilettos, trying to make wardrobe changes in the blink of an eye, and I remember at one point thinking to myself, If I’m not careful, I’ll be pulling a Sandra Bullock here. I remembered her sexy strut in the film Miss Congeniality that ended in her tumbling to the ground, and bouncing back up. I wondered if I did fall, would I be able to bounce up like she did?
This is what goes on in here.
And NOW… I am here to tell you with great conviction that your thoughts do create your reality. I am living proof of it.
We were in the middle of a shot capitalizing on some natural light when my photographer said “If you want another dress, you’ll need to make it fast, because we’re losing this light.” So I ran, of course. More like I “Morticia’d” as fast as I could.
In four inch stilettos.
With three inch platforms.
I rounded a corner when one of my amazing-KILLER-high heels fell into a little dimple in the cement and KABLAMO! I went sailing through the air.
No schematic in the world could have orchestrated the poetry in motion that occurred in one-second flat while I lived it in slow motion. My brain was well aware of every little nuance of this symphony of catastrophe, and attempted to negotiate at every single micro-interval:
No I am NOT falling like Sandra Bullock am I!?
Yep… too late… It’s happening…
Quick save the hip! (Don’t laugh… you’ll need to save the hip one day)
Nope… the hip is GONE people!
Moving on then… Not the head… NOT the head! Anything but the head!
Shit… the head is toast.
Here is a photo from the shoot later (after the incident) that day in said stilettos, because, well, I need you to really grasp this situation. Thank god for the fabulousness that was Nicole – the makeup artist. You cannot see the Goose Egg that had formed on my head.
And here is the slightly healed-up bump on my head sans makeup (after 24 hours). It’s good I’ve got a thick Italian scull. I probably damaged the wall.
I won’t bore you with further details of the glamor-puss I really was, but here’s a hint: I gave the crew and M.C. Nugget another scare not long after the “Stiletto Crash Ballet,” when after munching down on a carrot, someone made me laugh. Then choke. Then not breathe. M.C. had to perform the Heimlich maneuver on me, until I produced something that looked this:
People like me should remember that warnings such as “Do not try this at home” are intended for them.
I will say this in my favor. After the choking incident, I hardly needed any makeup retouch at all. How cool is that?
I felt as close to Sandra Bullock from Miss Congeniality as I ever have after yesterday’s shenanigans. But alas, I am no Sandra Bullock who klutzes and flops around making fun of herself and laughing all along, still managing to bounce back up without a scratch.
Ahhh… to live the life of a real glamor-puss. One day, perhaps.
Have a fabulous week my loves! See you next time!
Love you people!!!! Mmmmmpppphhhhuuuuhhhh!!!!
xoxo,
Ms. Cheevious
aka Lisa Jey Davis
Editor in [Mis]Chief
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BOOKS |
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And coming soon ‘Getting Over Your Ovaries. How to Make ‘The Change of Life’ Your Bitch’! ***DANCING DORKISHLY AROUND THE ROOM*** |
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All Blog content copyright 2013, LISA JEY DAVIS aka Ms. Cheevious
This week I am launching yet another segment of the blog titled “A Little Birdie Told Me” in which I share just a few of my favorite tweets from recent weeks. It should provide you all the reason you need to fly over to Twitter and enjoy the short, sweet, sometimes crude — but often balls-out hilarious conversation. If you know where to look, that is.
Here you go lovelys. Enjoy:
@Sara_ashlynn
@cixelsidgod
@Tuna_Lover
@HrBry
@OutOfLeftField_
@IamEnidColeslaw
Looking forward to your chirps!
Love you people!!!! Mmmmppphhhuuuhhhh!!!!
xoxo,
Ms. Cheevious
aka Lisa Jey Davis
Editor in [Mis]Chief
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Register to receive these weekly blog posts via email on the upper right corner of any page on Ms. Cheevious.
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Twitter FB Videos Tumblr Follow Lisa Jey Davis on Google+
You can also follow Ms. Cheevious’ beau M.C. Nugget on Twitter, and NOW on his Facebook Page!
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AND NOW FOR TONS OF LINKS
WE WOULD APPRECIATE ANY CLICKS! MWAH!
BOOKS |
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| |
Get your copy of my yoga routine “Ahhhhhh…Haaaaaa Moments with Ms. Cheevious” for as low as .99 cents!
|
|
And coming soon ‘Getting Over Your Ovaries. How to Make ‘The Change of Life’ Your Bitch’! ***DANCING DORKISHLY AROUND THE ROOM*** |
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GIFTS! |
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Kindle Covers, VERY COOL Luggage Tags, iPhone 5 Covers, and MORE. |
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Click the image & It will Add a Vote for us! Super EASY: |
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All Blog content copyright 2013, LISA JEY DAVIS aka Ms. Cheevious
While out for happy hour one evening, M.C. Nugget shared a riddle with me. The riddle goes like this:
A farmer has to get to the market with three items: a fox, a chicken and bag of corn.
To get to the market he must cross a river. But his boat will only fit himself and one item.
Knowing that if he leaves two behind, the fox will eat the chicken and the chicken will eat the corn… then how does he get himself and his three items safely across the river?
A slight variation on the riddle…
I arrived at the answer to this Pulitzer prize-winning collection of words as I usually do after a cocktail or two: I looked at him doe-eyed, rambled on about a few things for distraction purposes, then snuggled up to him with tears in my eyes. If you know M.C. in person, you know he likes to get his laugh. This means that no matter how easy and obvious the answer to his damn riddle, he’ll give up the answer because, well… He must have closure.
So without further adieu.. here is the answer that will solve all the problems of the universe:
The farmer takes the chicken over first, leaving the fox and bag of corn behind.
He goes back and gets the fox.
When he returns to the far bank, he leaves the fox, but puts the chicken back in the boat and takes it with him.
Back at his first bank, he puts the chicken on the bank, and the corn in the boat and takes that to the other side.
He then returns to the first bank, grabs the chicken, sails back to his final destination (the other side) and voila! All three are on the other side safely.
Yep. That’s super-human feats of efficiency for ya’ folks. FOUR damn round trips.
When M.C. gave me this earth-shattering answer, I looked at him in disbelief.
“FOUR trips? Are you kidding me?” I said.
“Look,” I half-slurred, “Here’s how I’m going to tell this riddle.”
In my riddle, I would not be a farmer. I’d be me… Ms. Cheevious. The chicken would have a magic ability to lay golden eggs (but of course) for just one week (Otherwise, why would I get rid of it at all?). I would then sell the chicken for a lifetime supply of vodka (I’d had two cocktails when I came up with this. What can I tell you, other than I am a light weight?). I would trade the fox for a beautiful faux fur (because, one can never be too glamorous… but we must also be kind to our furry friends),
and I would trade the corn for a party size platter of Chocolate Lasagna (yes, this is a real thing).
Then I would get to the other side in only THREE trips, and host the best damn party EVER.
By the end I would still have my lifetime supply of vodka and my glamorous fur. Problem solved. What was the problem again?
This is why any responsible person would say “happy hour is over, lady.” But my dears, there is a moral to the story. With a little ingenuity, chocolate and vodka can solve just about anything! If you’re extra brilliant, you’ll solve the world’s problems more efficiently, and in style.
Am I right?
Don’t answer that.
I have to take a nap now.
Love you people!!!! Mmmmppphhhuuuhhh!!!!
xoxo,
Ms. Cheevious
aka Lisa Jey Davis
Editor in [Mis]Chief
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Register to receive these weekly blog posts via email on the upper right corner of any page on Ms. Cheevious.
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Twitter FB Videos Tumblr Follow Lisa Jey Davis on Google+
You can also follow Ms. Cheevious’ beau M.C. Nugget on Twitter, and NOW on his Facebook Page!
————————-
AND NOW FOR TONS OF LINKS
WE WOULD APPRECIATE ANY CLICKS! MWAH!
BOOKS |
|
| |
Get your copy of my yoga routine “Ahhhhhh…Haaaaaa Moments with Ms. Cheevious” for as low as .99 cents!
|
|
And coming soon ‘Getting Over Your Ovaries. How to Make ‘The Change of Life’ Your Bitch’! ***DANCING DORKISHLY AROUND THE ROOM*** |
———————-
GIFTS! |
|
| |
Kindle Covers, VERY COOL Luggage Tags, iPhone 5 Covers, and MORE. |
| ———————- | |
|
Click the image & It will Add a Vote for us! Super EASY: |
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Check out the Ms. Cheevious entire boutique on Zazzle:
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All Blog content copyright 2013, LISA JEY DAVIS aka Ms. Cheevious
I’m on a bit of a rampage. Wait. Stop. Let me rewind a bit. I’ll set the scene for you:
A fabulous new freelancer (who is super cheap and comes highly recommended) is working to upload my Yoga routine book to other platforms besides iBooks and Amazon… (no small task, mind you… dealing with and educating the freelancer, that is).
Simultaneously, I’ve got a couple of PR clients whom I pitch and arrange interviews for, as well as submit them for and take them to red carpet events. Why isn’t this listed first, since it pays the bills, you ask? Meh… I can do this one with my eyes closed. I love it, but it doesn’t cause a rampage unless someone does a client wrong. The reason I’m even talking about it is because I’m taking a big risk here by not pursuing more clients, even though one of my few has just gone on hiatus. I made this decision because dammit all, I WILL finish my books, come HELL or high water… even if it means a) I give up my apartment and spend a chunk of my last remaining savings to b) put everything in storage, c) risk MC Nugget getting kicked out of his apartment for harboring a stow-away, and d) continue to use my beloved VW Jetta as the great Costco storage vehicle… I’m okay with being a starving artist, if it means I’ll finish my passion-projects. But shit. It does tend to send the stress barometer into hyperdrive.
But the icing on the cake came with a little tiny request I sent out weeks ago to some of my noteworthy friends (or if they aren’t noteworthy, they are beloved) for advanced reviews of my newest book (almost finished, but waiting on those reviews) “Getting Over Your Ovaries – How to Make “The Change of Life Your Bitch” –
While some of them did reviews (one of which is posted here) and amazed me with their sentiments (and for taking the time) – the others… well, you’d think I was asking them to slay their first born. The book is all of two chapters. Let’s just say, this is the thing that will drive me to drink this weekend.
I’d now like your permission to scream.
But before I do, and before I go, please know – this is not at all about you. It it most definitely about ME.
That is all.
Oh wait. I didn’t forget Mother’s Day. How could I? Wait for it and I’ll deliver. Yep – you’ll hear from me twice in a week… it may not be a blog post, but I’ll be in touch! Oh my!
Love you people!!!! Mmmmppphhhuuuhhh!!!
xoxo,
Ms. Cheevious
aka Lisa Jey Davis
Editor in [Mis]Chief
————————-
Don’t Be Shy! Leave A Reply!
Register to receive these weekly blog posts via email on the upper right corner of any page on Ms. Cheevious.
Be sure to confirm when you receive your verification email!
FOLLOW MS. CHEEVIOUS IN ALL OF THESE GREAT PLACES:
Twitter FB Videos Tumblr Follow Lisa Jey Davis on Google+
You can also follow Ms. Cheevious’ beau M.C. Nugget on Twitter, and NOW on his Facebook Page!
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AND NOW FOR TONS OF LINKS
I WOULD APPRECIATE ANY HELP YOU CAN GIVE ON THESE! MWAH!
BOOKS
Get your copy of my yoga routine “Ahhhhhh…Haaaaaa Moments with Ms. Cheevious” for a buck-ninety-nine!
And coming soon ‘Getting Over Your Ovaries. How to Make ‘The Change of Life’ Your Bitch’! ***EXCITED***
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GIFTS!
Kindle Covers, VERY COOL Luggage Tags, iPhone 5 Covers, and MORE.
———————-
Click the image & It will Add a Vote for us! Super EASY:
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Check out the Ms. Cheevious boutique on Zazzle:
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ASK MS. CHEEVIOUS
Have a question that is burning a hole in your brain about Ms. Cheevious…anything she does, her work, the book…life in general… or you want advice about a very important matter – go to our contact page & ASK AWAY.
Your question may be featured in an Ask Ms. Cheevious video segment!
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I WOULD LOVE TO REVIEW OR ADVISE YOU ON A TECHY PRODUCT IN TECHNO-BABE MOMENTS! GOT ONE?
All Blog content copyright 2013, LISA JEY DAVIS aka Ms. Cheevious
