Whoa Nelly is an understatement.
My head has been spinning out of control off and on for over a month. And I mean that in the literal sense.
I am DIZZY.
But let’s dispense with all manner of revelry right now, shall we? I am dizzy, and I am also blonde. That doesn’t make me a dizzy blonde.
You wouldn’t be alone to begin to think maybe I have a little Munchausen’s thing going on after all of the surgeries and procedures I’ve had in the last couple of years..
I would think so myself, if the rest of the world weren’t so damned upside down right now. It’s tough to navigate life while I bounce around it like a cartoon character in a bumper-boat pinball game.
The doctor thought at first it was something simple like positional vertigo, which would mean I would simply do exercises to reset the crystals in the brain, bringing them back to normal (as in this video). Now, after extensive “dizziness” testing with their Audiologist, she thinks she’s ruled that out and believes I have an inner ear condition called Superior Canal Dehiscence (“opening” in plain English), and if this is the case, the only fix is surgery.
I’ve had enough surgery in the last couple of years of my life to stuff one little tiny procedure at a time down the throat of every doctor in LA until they all become rolly-polly pudge-meisters, wobbling down the block and floating up into the air in Beverly Hills.
This is some serious shit.
But I’ve decided surgery is NOT how this is going down.
I may be dizzy, but I haven’t lost my mind….
don’t say a word.
My point is, I’ve decided I am in charge of my body, and I will be the one to decide what is wrong with my ear (if anything). It is not going to be the imperative surgery situation the docs are thinking. Since this fabulous news, I’ve been doing those exercises and my brain has been “engaging” with my little inner ear canals and other body parts, to tell them point blank:
“No, ear, you do NOT have any sort of “opening.” This is me, your BRAIN here, and I am in charge. I’ll say when there is an “opening” you hear? (pun intended). But we’ve got to stick together. So here is the plan:
Bone: These openings happen because of lack of bone, so you are in charge of making sure you are fortified so there ARE no… openings… whatever is going on down there, it’s your job to strengthen the front lines and fortify that canal! Do you hear me? If you need resources, talk to me… I’ll send extra blood, whatever else I’ve got… but you are NOT going to fall apart here.. do you understand?
My little ear and all of your little parts: Well we are all here for you. We are not going to let you go down, so by GOD man, buck up! Toughen up and we will get through this together!
And finally, blood, tissue, and every other part: Pay attention! Stand guard! Be ready to jump when I say jump. If we need you it’s going to be fast. If you need something get me a message any way you can, so I can send in reinforcements.
In the meantime I’ll be over here balancing the crystals with those exercises. The medics say that isn’t the problem, but I believe it could help, so by God that’s what we’re going to do.
All of you listen up: I don’t know what kind of mayhem has been going on here that this even happened, but we are going to straighten this up STAT. Do you hear me?”
This time next week, I plan to have a whole new story of a non-dizzy blonde who is large and in CHARGE, come hell or high water.
Starting this week, I began posting a short, witty paragraph or two a day for a segment called the Daily Mischief here on Ms. Cheevious. Additionally, M.C. Nugget has agreed to take a random photo a day for a segment called Daily Nugget. I hope you’ll pay a visit regularly (there are links to all of the stories for Daily Mischief and Daily Nugget on the navigation of any page of MsCheevious.com). In keeping with our once-a-week-subscription email policy (because, who the hell wants too many emails in their inbox, right?) I do not plan to email these posts out. Daily Mischief is loads of fun, with quickie stories like “A work at home situation that needs resolution” and “The day we succumbed to television peer pressure,” and the Daily Nugget has offered us such Pulitzer prize candidate photos (at least we think so) as “Which Came First? The Chicken or the Egg Full of Money?” and other such nonsensical fun images. Why? Because we can.
See you next week (unless you show me how much you love me by visiting the Daily Mischief and Daily Nugget) my lovely little turnips.
aka Lisa Jey Davis
Editor in [Mis]Chief
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