Presents, Even If You Don’t Want Them

One of the things I dislike most about the internet (and there isn’t a whole lot, because I love to engage with people this way. When done well, it’s so f-ing cool), is when websites squander too much of my time on a whole lotta nothin’. I dislike it even more when that “nothing” has even less to do with the title of the piece.

If your title is somewhat elusive, or a non sequitur like “Parenthood: A Panic Disorder” make the content interesting and clever, would ya?  I simply loved learning that the “Panic” (in said favorite blog post) came from the fact that the recent time change handed the writer’s young child six hits of acid and said to her,

listen, you’re going to want to take all of these at the same time. Don’t worry about hiding it from your mother. When you start to see the purple dancing elephants, chase them through the house. Narrate everything out loud*.

That’s what I’m talking about.

This comes to mind now, because I was looking around the internet at some of my lovey girls‘ websites, when I came upon a “Holiday Gift Guide.”  Aside from this little “reminder” annoying me (and aside from the fact it is not yet Thanksgiving), it caused the ever so slightest heart palpitation in me.

The real stress came from facing my need to buy presents square in the face…

Presents, that is, for MC Nugget, my two boys and several other people I apparently care enough about to spend money on. More than that, this Holiday Buying Guide just seemed way too freaking early (sigh… it’s not. I’m just not ready to be on that “page” right now).

But after the stress wore off, my initial thought was, hey… maybe I’ll do a buying guide. I could offer the very cool Ms. Cheevious Luggage Tags (hint: they’re in the side bar on the website) and my very own “Humbug Schmumbug, I Want Presents” Line of Tee Shirts, coffee mugs and more (my über talented sister Par-Tay took my painting & created an incredible design), well HELL,  I’d be in business!

These are the tags, in case you are curious.

But no. You see, when I started writing this, I had the luggage tags and tee shirts. That’s TWO products. And two frigging products maketh no buying “guide.” Two products is more of a buying “suggestion” or buying “nudge.”

Okay, so forget the fact that the very next day … after I began writing this, my fabulous sister and I buckled down and now have a full-fledged Humbug SHOP up and running, but still… It’s just not a guide, per se.

After I watched as several other nutty ideas for a “guide” swirled around my skull for a few moments (“Girls Want Presents” and “The Buying Guide of Stuff Girls Want” just two of the brilliant moments) I made a decision.

I will not do it.  Nope. I won’t subject you to any undo stress, heartaches, freak-outs or fainting spells.

But you must know this:  “It” is coming. Oh yes it is. The clock will not stop for you… and we now know what that time change is capable of…

Whether you celebrate Deepavali (day of love and light, which already happened), Quanza, Chanukah, Christmas or Joe’s Crab Tasting, there are probably presents involved – even if you don’t want them to be (notice the emphasis and red font, which categorically relieves me of my title-of-post tie-in responsibility?).

It’s time to grow up and get responsible kiddies.  Yep… You must ALLOW the idea of PRESENTS to enter your brain, even if you don’t want them there (yes… again).

And with that… I’m leaving you with —- wait for it — a CHRISTMAS song. Shameless and sacrilegious as it is before Thanksgiving. I apparently do want to subject you to slow suffering and pain, while you face your present-buying demons head-on. What’re you going to do? Not buy me a present? Well that’s a little harsh. It’s a Muppets song. Anyone can forgive the Muppets.

If you’re seeing this in your email, click here to listen/watch on Youtube. Just do it.

That’s it for now, my lovelies.  If at all possible, I will post a very special edition Thanksgiving post. Wait for it.

Love you people!!!!! Mmmmpppphhhuuuhhh!!!!


Ms. Cheevious

Editor in [Mis]Chief

* Excerpted directly from Dooce, the blog. Love it.


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Check out the “Humbug Schmumbug – I want Presents” shop here.
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