Family Ties, that is. Yes. I said it.
And my family is important to me. Vitally important.
Some may argue the contrary.
But I have worked long and hard (my entire life, in fact) to grow and improve on who I am as a person. Out of that hard work was born a very strong protective nature for establishing and fiercely protecting healthy boundaries where relationships are concerned.
How does one establish healthy boundaries, and just what are boundaries? I’m glad you asked.
Here is an illustration that should help.
Picture this: My head, surrounded by a grassy yard, with a white picket fence as its boundary.
I know it’s just a sketch, but inside the fence is my green, grassy yard, which represents all the things in my life – all of the choices in my life. I own those.
Outside of the white picket fence are things that everyone else in my world, including my siblings, kids, etc… have going on – their choices.
Sometimes a person’s choices infiltrate my yard, if I let them. For instance, if someone makes a choice that positively or negatively affects me, a family member, my children or loved ones, I then make the CHOICE to either accept or deny that situation access to my “yard.”
When crotchety Uncle Leo says something horribly mean and hurtful to my nephew Wilfred, I can choose to bring it into my yard, making that situation one of my responsibilities, nurturing it all the way to its conclusion – OR – I can choose to not allow it into my yard, instead loving from a distance and offering unattached advice to my nephew; advice I am willing to let go of, and never worry another moment about.
The latter, you lovely men and women, is the healthiest choice. And I’m not one of those people who’s afraid to get involved. Who’s writing this post here? I ALWAYS love me some juicy stuff to get involved in, that’s for certain. It’s really because I LOVE allowing people to handle and deal with their “yard” with the tools they have in the moment more than anything. Most times it is pretty miraculous to behold what people can do.
You could ask “well, what if your best friend needs financial help?” I can only answer it this way: I have a few choices, but in terms of boundaries and healthy, smart choices, there are only two I consider: 1) I can opt to help that friend, loan them money, and then lord over them to pay it back, taking that loan and their financial situation into my yard as my own. Or 2) I can work off of a decision I made long ago that I should never loan money, unless I can afford to let it go completely and leave it up to the person and their path to be responsible to pay it back, never worrying another moment. Then if I lend the money, I let it go – totally. But whatever the choice, we must OWN it. If I loan money and cannot forget about it, but instead, must have the money back regardless of situation, then I am inviting that situation into my yard, and now I own it. If I’m okay with that then it’s fine. Otherwise, it’s still a choice I made, which I must deal with.
Recently, some members of my family tried to throw the shackles on me, my white picket fence, and my yard too. They asked me (and some other siblings) to OWN their choices, and help them out of an unfortunate situation. Sorry. Couldn’t and wouldn’t do it. I did not have the resources to help, and I would not have helped if I did because it was a repeated situation we had already dealt with. We siblings had lovingly warned them that something like their unfortunate situation would happen down the road, should they not heed our advice. We each offered suggestions as to how the situation could be handled to avoid coming to an unwanted conclusion, but to no avail.
I found myself in that all-too-familiar situation of being “the bad guy” as this unwelcome truth was communicated to these family members. They were not very happy to hear that we siblings wouldn’t own their situations and rescue them from themselves.
Am I wrong to not take these types of things on as my own? Are Family Ties meant to be Binding in the true sense of the word? And aside from boundaries, is it wrong for me to not want to cover anyone’s ass (yes, even the asses of my siblings) when they make unhealthy, underhanded, lazy, or irresponsible choices (or how about just plain friggin’ STUPID choices)?
What say you? Let’s hear it…
Love you people!!! Mmmmmpphhhhuuuhhhh!!!
xoxo,
Ms. Cheevious
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great post today! love the head in the yard illustration. lol
Thanks Girly! I also received a comment from @J in SD who said “SO TRUE…” and the actress Cady McClain shared my post on Twitter. I’m guessing this post struck a nerve?
Uuuhhh…???
Seriously? Do we have the same siblings? Are we siblings? I can’t even type I’m shaking so horribly! This speaks volumes to me right now! Exactly the advice I needed, the EXACT words I needed to hear at this very second! Clearly! I am currently putting a new coat of paint on the fence and mowing the yard sister!!! Get out the rakes, I’m cleaning up!!!
Amazing! I love you!
Are you kidding me? Wow. Funny how our generation still has huge #s that believe they are ENTITLED to be taken care of.
oh and @Laura – love you to lovely girl.
Its really awesome to see MsCheevious Girl!
lovely girl
Thanks Sithan… lol. Glad to see you posting here for REAL! 🙂
Oh and thanks Tamil… 🙂
I have learned the hard way over the past few years that I need to just ‘let things go’ which can be very hard to do.
As the baby of the family with two older (very over protective) brothers, it was like having 2 sets of parents growing up. From an early age, I was constantly trying to appease everyone. From high school through college, I lived alone with my parents. During that time, I was constantly pulled into their arguments. My Mom would literally ask me to pick sides – my response was always ‘Switzerland’ (lol).
Getting married and starting my ‘own’ little immediate family consisting of me, my hubby and our three cats, I’ve learned to draw the circle of grass around us ONLY. Everyone else family, loved ones and friends have to be outside the boundaries.
The boundaries worked until Mom got sick, and then I was drawn back into the ‘family drama’. I was always the sibling who went to the medical appts with my parents and was their ‘go to person’ to call for any type of decision. It got to be very frustrating and unfair and unhealthy for me. Just as I seemed to finally be able to distance myself, Mom died and I then became my father’s go to person. Thankfully, I have been able to delegate a lot of the responsibilities to my siblings which has been great.
Growing up I was always afraid of ‘disappointing my parents, family etc.’ I’ve since learned that the only ones I have to please or think about is me and my Hubby & cats because I have chosen to let them in my yard.
After years of therapy and learning that I could not and DID NOT have to please everyone, I have finally learned to say “NO” which is my first big step. But I have a lot more work to do.
Your post is awesome and inspiring. A person has to learn to take responsibilities for their actions (whether good or bad) and own the consequences. I can’t and WILL not take care of my siblings, my father or even my other family members.
thank you for reminding me what what my priorities should be.
When things get tough and I feel myself getting pulled in, I constantly remind myself of the serenity prayer: God grant me to the serenity to accept the things I can not change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.
that is still a very new concept and I have a lot of work left to do.
xoxo
@Kris: Thanks so very much for your heartfelt post. It sounds like you are definitely on that straight and narrow to healthy boundaries… that’s for sure. This living life to the fullest, without creating carnage all around us — it’s just not for wimps, I tell ya. It takes hard WORK to enjoy every moment! LOL Keep it up though. It’s all very worth it. xo
I am from a family of nine & totally have experienced those same “beat your head against the wall” situations and I so readily agree with you! Very well stated!
Thanks @Connie! Look forward to seeing you here more often! XO