My friend Stealth cracks me up. He is one of those “super-athletes,” who is the type of person that even when he’s sick with bronchitis, can still blow into that lung test thing at the hospital and gather an awe-struck crowd because of the Olympian levels that thing reaches. You know what I’m talking about. It’s just plain disgusting that someone can be so stinkin’ fit – even when they are sick.
Stealth’s had some health issues that the doctors can’t seem to figure out, yet he still manages to make people (especially me) laugh. Go figure. He’s got a rock-hard body, with the lung capacity of a killer whale, and even though at times he truly thinks he might actually die from this ailment no one can figure out, still manages to crack jokes and remain fairly jovial. The only thing that makes Stealth feel good or somewhat normal, however, is exercise. Gee, I’m surprised.
We’re not talking about a little jog around the track either, girls and boys. This guy RUNS FAST up hill, up the steepest inclines of some of the tallest mountains and cliffs around. It makes me look like a really sad excuse for a wannabe athlete – me in my little Reeboks and Juicy Couture athletic attire. Oh – I can hike and rock climb right off the couch, popcorn smeared all over my face (laugh it up, those of you who know this to be true) after watching the latest episode of House – and I can even shock some people at how well I do, but Stealth BLOWS me and any other athlete I’ve ever known out of the water. It’s just not right. But I digress.
Stealth told me the other day how he RAN up this trail called the RIM TRAIL in Moab, Utah.
Okay – I lived in Moab. That trail is THE HARDEST trail I’ve ever done – at least in terms of sheer exercise. It’s INCREDIBLE.
That is the Rim Trail. The trail starts way over to the right (not in the picture) and continues at an insanely steep incline, ALONG THE TOP. You have to get UP THERE.
Well, Stealth use to be happy just hiking up that thing. Now he RUNS it. And apparently, he doesn’t stop there.
“Yeah, I ran up the Rim Trail, and then I continued on to Hidden Valley (beyond the top of the Rim Trail), and when I got up to the top, I did a few Sun Salutations and some stretches, and came down.”
I was listening to him describe his workout, still in awe over the fact that he RAN that trail, AND that he continued PAST it. Then I heard “Sun Salutations.” Normally music to my ears.
For just a moment I was transported to Urth Cafe on Melrose, where many-a-yogi can be overheard chatting about how many Asanas they did that day.
Some of you may not remember this, but I use to teach Yoga. Yeah, I know, I know. Me, with my PrAna yoga clothes, saying “namaste” everywhere I went. It was hilarious to some of you, I’m sure, but I love yoga! So, I asked, “Sun Salutations? You did Sun Salutations?” This shocked me. I’ve known Stealth a long time. As a matter of fact, I have tried countless times to get him to practice yoga on a regular basis, knowing it would only help him with his health issues.
Without missing a beat, Stealth said “Hell yeah! I am FREAKIN’ Chakra Kahn now!” I BURST OUT LAUGHING!
So the play on words began:
“How about Six-Pack Chakra,” I said.
“No I’m FREAKIN’ TUPAC CHOKE-YA” he returned.
After a few iterations, we settled on Tupac Chokra (not to be confused with Deepak Chopra, the Love Guru or any other Guru) in the end. So Stealth’s great YOGI impersonation could finally begin!! Hilarious.
I’m sure you’ve all known someone, maybe even yourself, who’s impersonated a REAL athlete at times?
Why, my friend Sheila and I did it just the other day. We decided to go on a hike.
So – I don’t know if I told you? I live in L.A.? You know? Los Angeles? There are beaches, an awe-inspiring ocean and at times, death-defying waves. There are some beautiful hills, but not much in the way of cliffs and mountains, at least not like the Rocky Mountains I’ve grown accustomed to from living in Colorado and Utah for the past few years.
We drove to Will Roger’s State Park to do the little hike-loop-thing they have. I decided I’d bring my two Camelbacks so we wouldn’t have to carry water bottles, as it was a little warm that day. Sheila had these really great new shoes on, and I complimented her. “Ooh. I like your shoes!” I said, enthusiastically.
“You bought them for me!” she laughed. “I did?” I asked, surprised. “Well, your gift card did!” I remembered doing that.
“Wow! Good choice! What are they?” I asked.
“They’re hiking shoes!” she replied in her British accent, “You muppet!”
“Cool!” I said. ‘The smog must be seeping into my brain already,’ I thought, ‘How could I not know those were HIKING SHOES?’ (Of course, on further analysis, it was obvious to me that my recognition skills weren’t amiss. It was the idea of SHEILA wearing HIKING shoes that threw me. It was oxymoronic!)
So, we both put the camelbacks on. Sheila took the full-size one, so she could put her dog’s collapsible bowl and a bottled water inside for him on the trail. She thought it was so cool to have the Camelbacks, and said, “I almost bought one once, but just never got around to it.”
Then as we started the hike, she exclaimed giddily (again with her British accent), “We’re going to look so professional!” We chuckled at that. We certainly dressed the “avid outdoor enthusiast” part that day. We even had a dog along to make it look SUPER real.
So a few minutes in, when we started to get to a slight incline (mind you, I am basically walking on this thing, not really noticing any “hike” sort of exertion at all), Sheila paused, causing me to turn back. She sort of turned toward me, as she turned her head, as if to suck on the straw of the camelback.
Instead, while keeping a totally straight face, talking under her breath she said, “So, how do you work this thing?” I cracked up! We both did! Here we were HIKING with Camelbacks and awesome hiking shoes, dog in tow, and she didn’t know how to use the equipment! What sad, pathetic excuses for hiking queens? More like PRINCESSES, I’d say! But when all was said and done, no matter how silly we were, or may have looked, we truly ENJOYED EVERY MOMENT! HA! And isn’t that the point?
So, this weekend, I want all of you to get outside and exercise. Put on those old spandex biking shorts, Speedos and head-bands, and make a fool of yourself, if you want! Just be sure to ENJOY IT, would you?
Until next week!
Love you people! Mmmmmphhhuuuhhh!!
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