It’s the wee hours of the morning, and I am wide awake. Perhaps it’s that “decaf” coffee I’ve been drinking, which in retrospect, contained some flavored, caffeinated grounds as well?
Anyhow, my boyfriend underwent surgery early this week. It was a surgery he put much hope in, as he’s been dealing with an illness for quite some time (since before I knew him), that since I’ve known him has gotten progressively worse (Yeah, I know. The inferences are endless here, so spare me!). He suffers with what the doctors believe is Eagle Syndrome.
He went in feeling and hoping that THIS surgery was going to be the answer. It may have been. But he’s very stubborn. I tried to explain to him that surgery is still trauma to the body, and that he would have to slow down afterward for at least a few days, no matter how good he felt, to allow his body to heal.
But noooo. He went on an intense hike the day after his surgery. He went on another one the following day. Today he stayed in because he felt extremely sick. Now he is feeling HORRIBLE. So bad, in fact, that he declined my taking him out to dinner to celebrate our Easter Holiday together (an early dinner as I will be out of town). He went to bed hours ago, because he felt so sick.
Here’s the clincher. I’ve been planning to leave tomorrow – or is it today? I’ve been planning to leave on Friday the 21st, to head back to Aspen and get ready for my twelve year old son to come for the week. Before going to bed, my boyfriend said, in a worried voice, “I don’t know what I’m going to do if I continue to feel this way, babe.”
Immediately, I’m embarrassed to admit that my heart sank. Not because my boyfriend is being unreasonable, and not because he has even created this dilemma. This conflict is my own. I spent my entire married life (obviously, prior to this) revolving everything around my ex, his life, career, health and mental issues. I sacrificed what I wanted to do ALL the time. It’s a sensitive subject.
But I couldn’t help but feel like the right thing to do would be to cancel my plans and stay and take care of my man, until it was absolutely necessary to leave for Aspen. I’d made plans to meet a girlfriend in Aspen, prior to my son’s arrival, but this only made me feel more guilty – like I shouldn’t have made those plans.
I am normally one to trust my instincts, but in this case I am just not sure what to do. Am I being selfish? Should I stay and take care of my boyfriend, or should I stick to my plan and trust that he can take care of himself? Is it okay to say “no” to my instincts in this case? Or is saying “no” NOT okay in this instance? Would that communicate poor priorities to my love? My boyfriend and I have worked hard to individuate and live healthy “individual” lives, while sharing everything with each other. This is a tough one! Give me some advice here people – because I am definitely struggling!
Wow! That is a tough one, and really only one you can decide. I could tell you what I would do, but we are all so different in our makeup that it may not work. The only thing I can tell you is if there is a way to postpone but you go anyway, and if something does happen with your significant other….do you want to add regret into the mix?
I know exactly what you mean about how your life totally surrounded around your ex and you did not have independence, I was in the same boat. It is just tough when it comes to someones health issues, and when they are in a bad way, even if he caused it himself.
One thing I do when I am up against tough decisions, is to try and put the shoe on the other foot. What would you want him to do if you were extremely ill…leave or stay for the comfort?
Completely your call!
Yes, definitely a tough one. My feelings are as Blueyess – what would you want HIM to do if the shoe was on the other foot? But I WILL say this – if at ALL possible to postpone – even for a day or two to see how his health progresses – I would do that. If your girlfriend is a good friend – she would definitely understand – things like this happen.
Hmmm. I woke up this morning, and he feels so much better. My leaving hasn’t even come up as a concern. I think I will ask him what he thinks. He’ll tell me – and I think he will be honest. Thanks! I’ll keep you posted!
Good Friday to you mscheevious 😉
I am delighted to read he is doing better, and the first two post were very much what I would say. At any given dilemma the best, and what works for me is getting out of my head, and go to my inner guide for direction. Never fails to nudge me to the way that it is for the highest good for all concerned, even at times when it is not really what I have wanted to do.
Luv and Light, and looking forward to hear from you when you are back here in L.A.
Margo
I am sorry, but since I was also in the same situation with my ex, I have a different take on this situation.
First of all, you advised him to take it easy right after his surgery and he chose to go on not one, but two hiking excursions. He is a big boy and needs to realize his limitations. He needs to make better decisions in regard to how far he can push his body, and he knew about your plans and would be selfish to expect you to stay and take care of him since he is sick because he didn’t listen to your wise advice. I say go to Aspen and have fun, don’t enable his bad choices.
Love you!
Lei
I guess I would ask do you feel like he needs you there? Having an attitude of, “I told you so!” won’t do either of you any good. If you feel like he really does need you and it is possible to postpone your original plans, that’s what I would do. Not because of anything that he has or hasn’t done, just because that’s what you do when you love someone! Now, if you feel like he’ll be okay and he’s just feeling sorry for himself and feeling bad due to his bad choices, but really doesn’t NEED help from you, then I would go ahead and go. One more thing, I wouldn’t stay just based on the last statement that he made. I would base it more on where you think he is physically, etc.
Thanks for all the input. Everything worked out just fine. I just decided to ask him what would make him feel better. We went to the doctor together (taking separate cars) and from there I left and went to Aspen. All is well. Thank you everyone for your words of advice. It is much appreciated!
That’s tough. I’d be having that same kind of mental battle, too, if I were in your situation. I’m sure he’s not trying to make you feel bad, or wants you to postpone your trip, but you’re feeling bad that you won’t be around to take care of him.
I’m glad you decided to take the trip. I’m sure he’ll be fine. 🙂
Yeah – I made the trip. Now it’s Easter Sunday and I’m sitting with my son. Life is grand! 🙂