Today I realized I may not be getting enough estrogen.
That’s a hormone. A very important female hormone.
I’ll spare you the story again, because you’ve probably heard me piss and moan about it many times over, but basically my body doesn’t make female hormones anymore. Damn body. So, I have to take whatever combo my doc comes up with, and we tweak as we go to make sure I’m a happy girl.
I realized I’m probably due for a “tweak” this morning after two things happened that caused my hair to stand on end, poking passers by with poison, and my voice became increasingly shrieky and annoyingly whiny any time M.C. Nugget tried to engage in conversation.
I’m not immune to the fact that these things almost always start with me.
I collect stressful situations like the Kardashians collect shopping bags full of shoes at Bergdorf Goodman.
It’s a gift.
I collected two such stressful situations just this morning, and the worst part was I KNEW they were coming. I was just ill-prepared. That’s another thing I’ve noticed about my low hormone levels. I’m less prepared. Like ALL THE DAMN TIME.
Here’s a little insight into me: I’m normally OVER prepared in most situations. I could be a friggin’ BOY SCOUT if only I had a penis (we’d be talking about different hormones then, but I’m game).
When it finally occurred to me that a) Life is just – pffff – stupid… who made this shit up anyway… b) every damn website has gone to hell and doesn’t work like it’s supposed to, c) my apartment is messy and my face products are in three different places around the city… and d) dammit why am I so forgetful and unorganized all of the sudden, and that e) yes it’s true, they really did end the season of The Following with the serial killer still alive (why? because they’re FREAKIN’ IDIOTS). When I realized ALL OF THAT, I decided to make the call.
I called my doctor to inform her that the most recent incarnation of estrogen/progesterone tinctures she’d cooked up were not doing the trick. When I also told her that I may drive over to her home, slice her tires and carry away her first born child, she understood that perhaps I needed more.
MORE ESTROGEN PEOPLE.
And do not – I repeat – DO NOT underestimate my need.