When this goes it’s all over

Yesterday I went into the bathroom and almost peed through my cute little undies.  This was not a move of desperation, like oh my god, I gotta go so bad, I’m gonna’ pee my pants. No, I simply forgot to drop my drawers.

Thank god I realized what was happening before I embarrassed myself, but this thing got me thinking.

First, I thought Damn hormones… so this is what it means when it says hormone replacement therapy can cause dementia? That’s it. I’m going off hormones, even if it means I’ll be a shriveled up old lady before I’m fifty. 

But wait, there’s more. Though most times it’s the lack of hormones that causes weigh gain in women, hormones are also partly to blame for fighting my every effort to stay fit, lean and GOH-JUSS. Stupid, bi-polar hormones. And when I say fight, I mean they fight me like a bulldog that has a hold of a chunk of steak. You gotta surgically remove the steak from that dog’s mouth.

Like that.

And yes, pun intended. I have seriously considered lipo.

So, BONUS. Without hormones, I’d be a skinny, shriveled prune before I’m fifty.

As I pondered what was (or wasn’t) going on in my mind when I almost peed my panties, I had an epiphany.

There are a boatload of stories that have been played out in movies, on television and in books of elderly people who forget where they are or can’t find their way home. These are the stories of people with dementia, and I thought, IT’S JUST LIKE THAT. 

Going to the bathroom is something so familiar we don’t have to “think” about it. It comes by ROTE, as does driving home, remembering our phone number or ATM pin.


I said to Nuggie “You know I’ve enjoyed our time together. So as long as you don’t mind when I become a skinny wrinkly mess, we’re good. Because when my ROTE goes, it’s all over.”

I was pretty damn proud of my discovery too. GOD I am good. I wonder if neuro or geriatric surgeons realize this? I know they talk about short term memory loss, but have they really analyzed this shit? Have they factored in the ROTE?

What about the ROTE FACTOR?

ROTE you guys! I can’t live without that at such a young age!

Then I realized how utterly Lucille Ball-esque this situation was. So what if I sat down on the toilet and almost peed through my lacey thong? It’s not the first time I’ve done something and reminded myself of the brilliant redheaded comedienne in the sky (minus the brilliant and of course, the sky part). She would totally be all over this piece of work if she were still living today. Maybe not the peeing part, but the FUNNY, people. The funny.

So I decided to give this hormone replacement therapy thing a while to find its sea legs. But I won’t let it go on forever, that’s for damn sure. Because you guys, if I go out of the house naked one day, you’ll be responsible for taking care of me.

You’re good with that, right?





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