This EXTREMELY valuable, UNIQUE and BRILLIANT piece of journalism (no egos to massage here) was actually included in a recent post – “Mammoth Mountain Moments & a Lesson in Branding.” Yep. It was indeed. So sue me.
I’m sure you didn’t see it because well, it was at the very bottom of the post, tucked underneath another brilliant piece of video journalism – named after aforesaid post, and it had absolutely nothing to do with said title. Needless to say, this little GEM got lost in the shuffle. AND WHY WOULDN’T IT HAVE? That post was FRIGGIN LONG!!!
People, do me a favor, would you? Remind me – unless it’s TRULY WARRANTED – like when I’m talking about the mutated Genes I have discovered in my body, or something similar – to keep things short, would ya? We’re all family here aren’t we? I’ll do my part. Promise. I’ll put the following on my DAILY TO DO LIST or glue it to my rear view mirror or something:
- MS. CHEEVIOUS! REMINDER: make it quick, long-winded one.
So here it is again. Because – well – I enjoy laughing at myself in recovery, and I thought you may enjoy it as well. Plus, it could help you some day — ya just never know.
My List of Tips for the Post-Surgery, Holiday Blues:
1. One word. SWELL. In other words, something you won’t feel, as in “Gee, I feel SWELL today”… If, however, you relegate the word “SWELL” to it’s literal definition: A huge amount of puffiness, due to an undue amount of fluid retention, then this is you after surgery:
Oh, your entire body will feel and look years younger. Yep. No wrinkles or anything, because you’ll retain SO MUCH FLUID, your skin will feel as though it’s about to POP from the stretching and the swelling. No wrinkles, my lovelies, but no guarantees on no stretch marks afterward either!
2. MEDS & SIDE EFFECTS. If you have any allergies to antibiotics on the books, well, just PLAN to add RASH and ITCHY-BODY to the mix. There is a good chance you’ll be allergic to at least ONE of the meds prescribed in order to help you heal afterward. This will further increase the effects of item #1, because we all know that when we rash-out, we also blimp-up.
3. DIET. No matter how tempting or yummy it looks — Do not eat food containing enormous amounts of CHEESE the day or night before surgery. Just don’t.
4. GOOD OLE GRANDMA. Plan to wear your granny clothes for at least two weeks, because nothing else will fit or look decent..
5. HOLIDAY ATTIRE. Start planning weeks ahead of time what you can wear to that one holiday or Christmas gathering… do so in a vain attempt to try and fool others into thinking you’re the same old you, and you did NOT just undergo a major procedure. And, although you’d normally be wearing your skinny jeans or mini-skirt and sexy top with stilettos, it was a FASHION choice to don the Black turtle neck, long loose skirt, high heeled boots and festive jewels. Because, well, it IS all the rage… somewhere.
The new sleek departure from your usual fashion statement should help distract sufficiently from what I like to call your “surgery center” – in my case, the newly formed BULBUS boobies protruding from my body, and the puffed out arms, legs, fingers and toes — there normally to help me manage life, but barely able to help me squeak around the Christmas Tree this year.
6. SMOOTH MOVE. With much Pain Medication comes much Constipation. Sorry, but no. That IBS won’t come in handy now. Eat healthy stuff afterward so you can – ehem – “eliminate” things when you need to. Oh, and repeat after me: Stool Softeners are My Friend.
7. NURSES CAN HELP YOU. When your hot man or lady offers to “nurse” you back to health, say YES. And let them. Just pretend they are wearing a Chippendale’s or Playboy Bunny costume, and let the medications take over. You’ll be drooling in your sleep in no time …and, you can claim it’s all due to hot dreams and fantasies, and not the lack of [nuero-muscular] control you have in your mouth, while sleeping — yeah!
8. ENJOY EVERY SINGLE MOMENT. You’re here aren’t you? You made it! It’s only a matter of time before you are back in charge and in control, so enjoy the moments, and have a good sense of humor. It’s the only way to live!
Have a wonderfully Happy Happy, Merry Merry Christmas (Chanukah, Quanza, etc. etc.) and New Year. Eat and drink to your heart’s content, for in the New Year we DIET!
Love you people!!!
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Blog content copyright 2011, LISA JEY DAVIS a.k.a. Ms. Cheevious