The Great Costco Food Sample Incident

I’m going to share with you a little incident that ACTUALLY occurred at my friendly neighborhood Costo recently.  The names and characters’ names have been changed – only because I don’t know them. If I did, these slime balls would be listed right here with mug-shots, their phone numbers, emails and home addresses (just kidding… but a girl can dream).

After patiently waiting to get a hot tasty morsel of free food at Costco (from one of the sample cart people),  and,  after waiting through the first whole batch the woman had produced, because the line was THAT long, (and also because in the previous batch, certain SOMEONES ran up to the front of the line, just as the samples were coming out, IGNORING the long line formed by we POLITE folks, and grabbed up all the yummy stuff)… After all that, while I STILL waited patiently in line, some sneak-meister lady came up and began chatting up our sample lady!  I knew immediately what this bitch was up to.  She was hungry, like all the rest of us, and yet, rather than wait in line – LIKE ALL THE REST OF US, and LIKE GOOD PEOPLE DO – she thought she’d put on a little side-show to distract the cart lady, and somehow thought this would fool us.  She probably did fool a few of the people in line, sadly.

Which begs the question, “Why was I in line with fools?” and then the question,  “Why are they fools?” Well, I was in line because the cart woman had been polite enough to say she was sorry we waited in line and the first samples ran out, and that more would be ready in a jiff.

By acknowleding that we’d been there waiting in line, she immediately made STANDING IN LINE imperative.

Why were the other people in line with me fools?  Well they would have been if they just stood there and did nothing while they were about to be taken for a second time. I know some of you.  You’re sharp too, and you’re thinking ‘why fault the bee-otch for thinking outside of the box and getting the food before it was all gone again?’  I’ll tell you why.  BECAUSE I DID WHAT I WAS SUPPOSE TO DO and this goombah butt-ugly chick was threatening to prove ONCE AGAIN that it DOESN’T PAY to follow any sort of social graces!  If everyone did what she did, we already know what would happen: only the stronger, nastier, fatter (there is almost ALWAYS someone fatter), meaner, more-muscular people would survive.  They’d claw and climb their way to get the freebie, simply because that’s the way it was done, leaving the elderly, frail, young, short (there is almost always someone shorter), light-weight, kind, polite people behind in the dust.

But if everyone would just stand in that line of  – oh – what – FIVE FRIGGIN’ PEOPLE – then everyone would get their little tiny bite in due time. But NOOOO.  And THAT, my friends is the reason everyone in this FRIGGIN’ COUNTRY IS OBESE!  But I digress.

So, what did I do?  I’ll tell you.

I stepped out of that line and LURCHED at that woman.

I THREW my overly strong and large-for-my-size hands  (I know this because my piano teachers all said so) around her Baptist looking neck, and I SQUEEZED  — HARD.  I clenched my teeth and said as I felt the air trying to pass through her neck, “Feel free to chat this woman up as long as you like.  But if you think you’re getting one of those samples without waiting in line, like all these other good folks have been doing, well, I’ll snap this pretty little neck of yours in two seconds.” Immediately, the people in line began to clap and cheer.  They chimed in with things like “YEAH!” “THAT’S RIGHT!” and “YOU GO GIRL!”  I even heard a “That woman did NOT just DO THAT!!”

I continued as I regained my composure, released the woman, and stepped back in line, ” We complain that the kids in this country are getting worse – more and more violent, indecent, stupid – whatever – as each year passes… and we wonder why? It’s because of LOW LIFES like you who think they’re the only ones that exist on this planet, and selfishly take-take-take, regardless of who else was ahead of them! You teach kids that everything they’ve been taught, including common decency, isn’t NECESSARY! Well, I’M here to tell you that it IS!”

More “Yeah!”s and “That’s Right!”s from my little line gang before I continued, “YOU are the reason our country is in the PISS poor shape it’s in, lady.  So GET A CLUE, GET IN LINE or go live somewhere else.”  I breathed in as the cheers, pats on the back, smiles and women waiting for me to hold their babies continued… before…

It was back to REALITY.

What actually happend was, I simply said loudly, “I HOPE she doesn’t think she’s getting a sample ahead of us without getting in line?  Does she?”  Turning to my other line members. One supported me by rolling her eyes in the woman’s general direction for all to see, another huffed and shrugged, and one very brave lady chimed in “I sure HOPE NOT!”  That was really all we needed.  Oh the joy of being heard, and oh how great it feels to instill FEAR into the heart and mind of a perpetrator!  HA!

So let this be a lesson to you:  Step outta line (in more ways than one) around Ms. Cheevious, and you WILL suffer the consequences. You have been warned.

But honestly people, it’s just WRONG to conduct ourselves so EGOTISTICALLY, as if we are the only ones affected.  Everyone else suffers when we do. What you do affects others.

THINK ABOUT EVERYTHING YOU DO and adjust your actions so others (we) don’t have to pick up your slack.  Would ya? PRETTY PLEASE?

If you do, you’ll feel better as you come to realize — ‘GEE, I WON’T DIE IF I MAKE OTHERS MY EQUAL & BEHAVE GRACIOUSLY’… and it will sure as hell make the world a better place!

That’s it for now peeps!  Now go out there an make the world a BETTER place!  Would you please?

Love you people!!! Mmmmmphuuuhhhh!!!!


Ms. Cheevious


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Blog content copyright 2011, LISA JEY DAVIS a.k.a. Ms. Cheevious

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