Ms.Cheevious

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Need I say more? If you’ve read my blog for some time, you’ll know what this is all about. I once wrote about the differences between steak and – ehem – shrimp.  But that part is only important if you remember it.  If not, this is just hilarious anyway…

Many of you have seen the Panda Express commercials – the ones where the two Pandas repeatedly try to steal Panda Express food? Well, there is a new one of them hunting for shrimp in the deep blue sea.  One of that commercial’s incarnations can be found on youtube.com by searching “Panda Express Shrimp Commercial”. 

I tried to find the one with BOTH pandas, but alas, it’s nowhere to be found as of yet on the internet. 

Since MC Nugget (my man, for you newbies) and I are KNOWN for hunting for the best, yummiest SHRIMP, I figured this one was a shoe in.

"Heeere Shrimpy, Shrimpy, Shrimpy...."

Too funny. 

I’m working my way up to Redding, CA this weekend to visit with Maven, her hubby and son.  They just recently moved there and require my expert design services…  but of course, dahhhhling. 

M.C. may join if the two or three gigs he is after do not pan out… I’ll keep you posted. 

Soon, however, as promised, I’ll provide shots from the Oscar Gifting Suites and fesitivities.  Just waiting on them from the event people!

Have a marvelous weekend my lovely boys and girls.  And don’t let those yummy shrimp get away!

Love you people!  Mmmmmmphhhhuuuhhhhh!

xoxo,

Ms. Cheevious

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Blog content copyright 2009, LISA JEY DAVIS a.k.a. Ms. Cheevious

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Okay everyone!  Here’s a little bonus post to launch us into the new year.  If you are new HERE – well, geez, WELCOME!  I love that you’ve stopped by!  Be sure and post something on your way out, would ya? Thanks! 

So…  here goes…

With the New Year now in full swing, (and after one of the toughest years for most everyone out there – both fiscally, and mentally – due to the barrage of garbage that was drilled into our brains – ad nauseum, infinitum – in the form of stupid statements like “the sucky economy” or “you know… they couldn’t hire so-n-so, because business is so bad”, and all manner of other trash-talk stuff), I decided it’s time to talk about being single. HA! HA! 

I know.  I know!  Why talk about being single?  Why such a departure from the whole “the economy sucks” rant?  Well, it’s not such a departure.  It’s actually related in a twisted sort of way.  And besides, we all know that the neuro-paths in my brain are a little twisted, so try and keep up, would ya?

Basically – I KNOW for a fact that some of you out there worked yourselves up into little frenzies and created disappointing NYE’s for yourselves – all because you had a picture of what was suppose to happen when the clock struck midnight. Indulge me here:

If you’re a guy, admit it.  You imagined that if things went your way, you were gonna’ be with one of the hottest girls around.  You planned that if you did all the right things to romance her in the weeks, days and hours leading up to that midnight kiss on New Years Eve (open doors for her, help her with her jacket, take her out for drinks with your sacred inner circle of guy friends, make her feel special, even call to make sure she is safe at home if she drives on her own, etc… etc… blah, blah, blah) that you’d be sure to “get some.”  Because in your mind the kiss was just the beginning.  Mannn oh man, if you played your cards right you were gonna’ get some, and get some GOOD.  You were gonna’ have some of your very own New Year’s Eve-fireworks!  It didn’t matter that your girl was probably thinking as the two of you moved in for the kiss, that the two of you were “ushering in the New Year – together: Partners, walking hand-in-hand (together), into a sea of happiness… forging a future full of good memories… TOGETHER.”  All you were thinking was, “Bring it on, baby! I’ve been working HARD for this night!” And that was about it! 

So, do tell.  How’d that work out for ya?  Huh, guys? 

And you girlie girls out there… those of you who are of the single variety.  Yes, I am talking to you now.  You who tried your hardest to have a date on New Year’s Eve, if only to relieve the stress or embarrassment of having no special “someone” to kiss at the strike of midnight.  You know it’s true.  If you aren’t in a relationship at the moment, you KNOW it was all only about that very moment… more-so than whether or not you really actually LIKED the guy.  But worse, if you DID like the guy, you built that moment up into some incredibly heavily weighted moment, that no person can live up to.  You imagined the two of you would smooch, share an intense emotional tie, and move forward into the new year as a newly bonded couple, and plan the days and weeks ahead together. And if you were flying solo on New Year’s Eve, out with the girls, you KNOW it was an important thing for most of you to find someone “suitable,” who you could flirt and play cat and mouse with, and then hopefully get a smooch out of it at midnight as well.  Am I right?

So, fill us in.  How’d it go?

I’m just sayin’ people.  What the HECK is so wrong with being single?  What the HECK would have been so bad about being at the bar, and NOT kissing anyone – except maybe good friends on the cheek, or whatever – when that clock struck midnight? How hard IS it REALLY to enjoy oneself as a single individual?

A very shrewd single gal said recently, “Being single is NOT a condition that needs a cure.”

AMEN TO THAT.

And, please don’t preach to me about how I have M.C. Nugget, and perhaps I can’t relate, or whatever else you’d like to use to justify any sort of erratic obsessive-compulsive behavior.  I’ve been single plenty in my life, and I am still single today.  I am not engaged, or married, or in any sort of what most people would consider a “traditional” relationship.  I too, realize I am not getting any younger, and old age is slowly working its way toward little ole’ me.  Age spares no one.  But I am only getting BETTER BABY.  Age can come and kiss my cute little tuckus.  HA!  The fact that M.C. and I call each other boyfriend/girlfriend is really incidental, and it took us over nine months of dating to do so, as we were both so happy being single ourselves, that we didn’t want to “label” and ruin it!  Yes, I loved being with him on New Year’s Eve and was very glad to kiss only him when the clock struck twelve.  But that’s besides the point. 

The fact is – I am so tired of people being so unhappy with their lot in life that they manipulate and commit all manner of craziness – all for the sake of “getting” happy, or “finding” happiness.  Don’t you get it?  You need to be happy with life as you ARE.  Realize what a great person you ARE without anyone else.  Put yourself in a position of power, so that you can pick and choose and be selective.  Then, when that girl or guy comes along that is perfect for you, you’ll actually be capable of SEEING him or her when they are in FRONT of you! 

So – my advice this year girls and boys?  One guess.  Get happy being you – all alone.  Get to know yourself and fall in love with who you are – what makes up everything about you.  If you have work to do on you – DO IT.  YOU are WORTH it.  Get in shape, lean out those bodies, or get a massage… whatever works for you.  But GET HAPPY WITH YOU – all by your lonesome.  Then and only then will you be ready – IF YOU WANT – to allow someone else into your great little life to participate! 

Get it?

Now go out there and have some fun with your bad-ass self, would you?  As I promised, my next regular post will dish on some really fantastic Hollywood events I’ve been able to take some clients to lately!  Stay tuned!

Love you people!  Mmmmmmmmphhhhuhhhhh!!!

xoxo,

Ms. Cheevious

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Blog content copyright 2009, LISA JEY DAVIS a.k.a. Ms. Cheevious 

Welcome to Ms. Cheevious-land, where some posts are more “Ms. Cheevious” than others…  Some can even be downright offensive…  This could be one of those.

Particularly if you are a member of my family.  But know this: you have been warned.  And I’m NOT kidding.

And to you females out there, just remember: don’t knock it til you’ve tried it.

So here goes!

List of electronic devices that give pleasure:

1)      The Television

2)      The iPod

3)      The Computer (for some)

4)      The Massage Chair, and

5)      The Rabbit (if you do not know what a Rabbit is, now is the time to stop reading).

Four out of five of these devices utilize quality control personnel in the development process. That is, people who test the device before it goes to market, to be sure it is

a) truly meeting the customer’s need,

b) functioning properly,

c) achieving the customer’s desired goal(s), and

d) is durable and built to last for a reasonable amount of time.

I have to say I am reasonably satisfied with the first four electronic devices on the list. But what, might I ask, happened to number 5?

For GODSAKES PEOPLE, don’t the makers of these devices know that if they actually made Rabbits according to the criteria above, their sales would skyrocket, PMS would become the stuff of legends, and the term “bitch” would actually be used to refer only to female dogs.  And besides, we all know that when women are happy, the whole world rejoices.

Just think about.  A Rabbit should

a) help women see the face of god quicker, reach nirvana, or fill in the blank;

b) do what it is suppose to do based on the features on the box;

c) provide that “pleasure” (see “devices that give pleasure” list above) in the absence of a man, in the presence of a boring man, or during football season (hey I’m not only thinking of myself here); and

d) be durable… REALLY DURABLE… and last for a reasonable amount of time.

What is a “reasonable amount of time”, you might ask?  Twenty minutes about four times a week for at least three years.  I think that’s fair.

But no.  Apparently there are no test marketers for vibrators, at least from what I can tell.  And so, with great personal sacrifice, I am now dedicating my life to ensuring that quality, durability, and product satisfaction go hand-in-hand with the mighty Rabbit… and when they build the monument to me, let them say “She did it not for herself, nor for the battery companies, but for her sisters around the world and the men they stopped annoying.”

Yes, I will spend the rest of my days testing these devices, and ensuring world peace.

As you hum my theme song, please feel free to provide your list of demands, and I will take them into consideration while conducting my research. 

Long Live the Rabbit!

Love you people!  Mmmmmphhhuuuhhhhh!!!

xoxo,

Ms. Cheevious

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Blog content copyright 2009, LISA JEY DAVIS a.k.a. Ms. Cheevious 

I slept really well last night. When my blackberry alarm went off at 7:45 am, which is later than I should have risen, I grabbed it, hit snooze and somehow, miraculously fell back into a deep sleep.

When I woke up – oh, a cool 15 minutes later, I was laying peacefully on my back, in sort of a coffin-style position (just in time for Halloween). The first thing I noticed, however, was that my right hand had a pretty good hold of my left boob. And my arm wasn’t sore from clenching, no. It was sort of a peaceful, restful hold. I chuckled out loud.

First of all, I must address the chuckle. That my friends, is pretty good, because contrary to my normal inclinations, I’ve been waking up lately with worry and to-do lists on the brain, so the laughter was a welcome guest this morning. And people, I know this is an aside to that – but believe me, I KNOW I shouldn’t be worrying, and have some serious meditation to do to get off my arse and start creating an incredible future – but I knew some of you were too smart to let that “worry” thing pass you by.

So, back to my story.

Talk about Girls Gone Wild!  And I wasn’t even TRYING!  Tell me people, what could it MEAN? Why is it that a girl wakes up peacefully holding her breast?  I could NOT for the life of me get a “hold” of my breast while awake, without clenching or “grabbing.”  Believe me! I tried to recreate it! 

I know, I’m an odd one. 

But apart from the dream I had last night, where I was dating a wild and crazy rock star (which – okay – I sort of AM), and the fact that a dream like that could elicit all manner of mayhem in my bed.  Apart from that, why my boob? And why so peaceful? And why coffin-style?

Tell me, oh great dream interpreters, please! And does the meaning change if it was reversed? Right boob, left hand?

Am I reading too much into this? heh heh

I gotta say, this Halloween weekend is getting off to a jolly old wild and crazy little start.

I’m going to be an officer of the law, and I’ll be on patrol on Main Street in Santa Monica with my funny, sexy, handsome man M.C. Nugget (@EmceeNug on Twitter). He’s dressing as Fred the Wonder Chicken (remember him?) – dressed as a pirate.  I wanted him to be my jailbird, but M.C. says he’ll be a criminal from a different era. I’ll be walking around saying things like “I’m gonna’ have to confiscate that yummy drink you just got” and stuff like that.

Here’s my costume – and YES – I am bringing my full-length coat so I don’t freeze.

And here is the picture from last year, with FWC and I dressed as Pirates.  This will be Nuggie this year:

Stay tuned next week when I tell-all. Oh – and I’ll fill you in on the red carpet event I took my peeps to earlier this week!

Have a safe, fun, scary, ghostly time this weekend you gorgeous men and women!

Love you people! Mmmmmmmmphhhhuuuhhhhhhhh!

xoxo,

Ms. Cheevious

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Blog content copyright 2009, LISA JEY DAVIS a.k.a. Ms. Cheevious 

Hellooooo all my fabulous friends out there in Ms. Cheevious-land! 

A good friend sent the following list of women’s needs to me, and I agree with just about every single thing on this list – well, poem.  It’s written by Maya Angelou, an accomplished writer, a woman with a doctorate degree (cool), who’s traveled and lived all over the world. She is quite an amazing single mom (at least at one time in her life she was).  So – I’ve included her little admonishment to women here, and in RED is my commentary.  Is that sacrilegious? Tough.  You need to hear what I have to say. HA!

If you are new here – well, FINALLY!  You’ve come to your senses!  ha ha.  JUST KIDDING! (kinda)

We have fun here, and this weekly (or sometimes bi-weekly, or whenever my travels and computer problems allow for it) blog is an extension of my book Ms. Cheevious in Hollywood – Confessions of a Hot Mamma, (need I say “AWARD WINNING”?) which is unpublished at this point – but I’m working on it.  You can read about it here. But welcome to the Ms. Cheevious blog, and a whole new world!  Enjoy!

So on to the poem, and my wise – ehem – wise-ass commentary:

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE … 
enough money within her control to move out 
and rent a place of her own, 
even if she never wants to or needs to… 

HELLOOOO… these days she better have enough in her coffers to BUY a place of her own for cash, and then be able to RENT it back to the bastard – um, guy – that was holding her back!  HA! (Not YOU, honey!!)

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..

something perfect to wear if the employer, 
or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour… 

For the boss – how about a giant COFFEE MUG or just come dressed as a pen for taking notes on all of his wise words.  If he is at all lecherous, just see the notes below for dates, because let’s face it – that’s what he really wants.  
For dates – will a bustier or a tu-tu do?  Come on!  Since when do we know when someone is REALLY the date of our dreams?  Aren’t they ALL?  And in that case, wouldn’t we need like seven different outfits?  One for every night? 

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .. 
a youth she’s content to leave behind…. 

Hmmm.  I’ve had a pretty good youth – but that’s all relative.  I’m still young aren’t I?  If you are twenty, repeat after me: “yes ma’am”.  But at this very young age of mine, I don’t know whether to agree, or completely rise up in protest, take off all my clothes and run down the beach nekked.  Heck, you only live once, right? HA

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE … 
a past juicy enough that she’s looking forward to 
retelling it in her old age…. 

‘Nuff said. (smile)

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ….. 
a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra… … a “Rabbit” (heh heh), and what’s this about LACE?  I hate it.  Itchy.  Nope.  Not doin’ it.  Hot lingerie? Yes.  But a good set of wine or martini glasses (or both), and always something healthy to eat (like carrots or cucumbers) in the fridge – now THAT’S practical.
 
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE …. 
one friend who always makes her laugh… and one who lets her cry… 

Check! 

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE …. 
a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family… 

how about a 50 inch flat screen plasma tv? 
 
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE … 
eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, 
and a recipe for a meal, 
that will make her guests feel honored… 

Wait - covered that above… and I just memorize all my good recipes …  yummmmmm… So I guess a woman should have a good memory for good recipes? So what we’re sayin’ here is women need to be super human.  Right?
 
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE … 
a feeling of control over her destiny… 

Well – DUHHHH

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW… 
how to fall in love without losing herself.. 

AMEN SISTER
 
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW… 
how to quit a job, 
break up with a lover, 
and confront a friend without; 
ruining the friendship… 

Ooh. Tough call. Sometimes you want to ruin the friendship…. NOT.   What kind of craziness is this???  OF COURSE ya need to know how to do those things – but let’s be REAL.  Who really DOES know how?  That’s why you read my BLOG people! 

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
when to try harder… and WHEN TO WALK AWAY… 

got that one DOWN.  Don’t we all, you hot lovely women out there?

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
that she can’t change the length of her calves,
the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents.. 

Ohhhh, but I can try can’t I? My mom needs to wise up and just ADMIT I am her favorite!  HA!

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
that her childhood may not have been perfect…but it’s over… 
whaaahhh?? over?  What are you tryin’ to tell me here?

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
what she would and wouldn’t do for love or more…

now that’s interesting.  I’m pretty much a “do anything” kinda gal… ha ha

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
how to live alone… even if she doesn’t like it…

i like it, i like it!  but i may not want it forever… may need someone to pick me up off the floor if i ever fall and hurt my hip!

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW.. .
whom she can trust,
whom she can’t,
and why she shouldn’t take it personally… 

… NEWS FLASH – it IS personal!  Someone breaks trust, it is a complete afront to ME – personally.  That’s how I learn NOT to trust them again! MMM-KAY?

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
where to go…
be it to her best friend’s kitchen table… 
or a charming inn in the woods…
when her soul needs soothing… 

… can you say DAY SPA?  Cucumber facial, mud bath, and a glass of champagne… ahhhhh.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
what she can and can’t accomplish in a day…
a month…and a year…

NOTHING my pretties.  I can do it ALL.

Well – that’s it for ya!  I am off to a weekend in Palm Springs with my man, M.C. Nugget.  Ain’t life grand, people?  Have a wonderfully exotic and excruciatingly fabulous weekend boys and girls!

Tune in next week, when I tell you exactly Why Denis Leary Sucks!

Love you people!  Mmmmmmmppppphhhhuuuhhhhhh!

xoxo,

Ms. Cheevious

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Blog content copyright 2009, LISA JEY DAVIS a.k.a. Ms. Cheevious